There and back again – “there” being hell

Back again after two weeks on the road.

It was the most excruciatingly uncomfortable two weeks of my life.

In Eastern Europe I’ve been kicked with honest-to-god jackboots and beaten with honest-to-god rubber truncheons. (They’re not just rubber, they have a steel rod inside.) I’d rather go through that again than this.

I was trapped in a space the size of a prison cell with an emotional vampire who was supposed to be training me.

And what did I learn?

I learned his wife has enormous tits and has had at least one breast reduction surgery. She has had a series of abusive relationships in the past. He has left her at least once over financial issues. They fight constantly. She’s gotten fat. She is the most selfish person he’s ever met – except for his mother who was an alcoholic slut who slept with anyone in a uniform, before she became a manipulative Jesus freak.

He also jokes with her – over the phone (an average of 10 lengthy calls per day) that she should get a second job whoring at the truck stop. They “joke” about divorce all the time. He discusses his trainees’ shortcomings with her, in front of the trainees. And though he seems to love them, he shocked me out of my skin by making a tasteless joke to his wife about his two small children’s disabilities. (A speech defect and Down’s Syndrome by the way.)

I learned his previous trainee was an OK driver but a white-collar snob. One before that learned to drive in the army but got into fights with a female truck scale weighmaster. I know their names.

I learned the director of recruiting for the company was an OK driver but kept getting lost. But that was OK since the company owner liked him he moved him into a desk job.

I learned a lot that I wish to God I didn’t know! If I ever meet his wife I think I’ll die of embarrassment.

Oh, about trucking. I learned I suck, but that he couldn’t be bothered to teach me because he was busy watching his DVD player in the co-pilot seat.

“You should know that.”

On the other hand, I’ve heard the audio for The Expendables, 2012 and Iron Man 2 now.

But I got two weeks practice, and made some horrific mistakes I’ve certainly learned from – thank God with no consequences other than to my peace of mind. I also did manage to figure out some things such as: how to stay centered in the middle lane (aim the driver’s side blind spot mirror at the left white line,) and when to judge the appropriate distance from the truck in the lane to the right before changing lanes (when you see both headlights in the right-side mirror.)

My last stint driving, trying hard to keep my eyes open because I’m about to pass out from sleeping badly, I made a stupid mistake with the gears which made me feel like crap. Nothing like ending on a sour note.

Gee, what wonderful stories he’ll have to tell after our time together.

Then to cap it all a phone call came through, telling me one of my oldest friends had been killed in a car wreck in Oklahoma the day before. A 17-year-old girl swerved into his lane and hit him head-on. She may have been texting. (My trainer fiddles with his phone while driving, but wears a headset.)

When I got home, I hugged my kids and begged my wife’s forgiveness for any slights or insults I may have thoughtlessly given her.

Needless to say, I’m looking elsewhere for work. Which is a pity because this company has an excellent reputation for treating drivers well.

On the other hand, their long-haul drivers are typically out 2-3 weeks at a time, returning for a whole 2-3 days with their families. While away I missed my wife and kids like to die. So I’m looking for something that’ll keep me closer to home. If I miss my kids growing up, at my age it’s not likely I’ll have a chance to make it up with my grandkids.

But first I’ve got a funeral to get to.

So how was your week?

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