Christmas time is hear by golly

Note: An abbreviated version of this appeared as the Christmas weekend op-ed in the Valley City Times-Record.

Christmas time is here again, and in the words of that great songwriter Tom Lehrer, time to reflect on what we deeply and truly believe in.

Lehrer was referring of course, to money.

“Christmas time is here, by golly,
Disapproval would be folly,
Deck the halls with hunks of holly,
Fill the cup and don’t say “when.”
Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens,
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens,
Even though the prospect sickens,
Brother, here we go again.

On Christmas day you can’t get sore,
Your fellow man you must adore,
There’s time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four.

Relations, sparing no expense’ll
Send some useless old utensil,
Or a matching pen and pencil.
“Just the thing I need! how nice!”
It doesn’t matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heartfelt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it,
What’s important is the price.

Hark the herald tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest ye merry, merchants,
May you make the yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy!

So let the raucous sleigh bells jingle,
Hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle,
Driving his reindeer across the sky.
Don’t stand underneath when they fly by.”

It’s difficult to say when the tradition of the Christmas Carol Parody started. In 1955, Don Charles, from Copenhagen, Denmark, recorded a version of “Jingle Bells” sung by barking dogs. It sold a million copies.

In 1958, “Christmas Don’t Be Late,” by Alvin and The Chipmunks (a.k.a. Ross Bagdasarian, a.k.a. Dave Seville,) won three Grammys.

If it weren’t sung funny with interruptions by Dave and Alvin, it would actually be a rather touching carol.

In 1979 Elmo & Patsy released Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer, written by Randy Brooks. Elmo Shropshire, a professional veterinarian and amateur musician, funded the recording out of his own pocket. Which turned out to be a good investment, the record made him a millionaire. In 2002 he released a sequel, “Grandpa’s Gonna Sue the Pants Offa’ Santa,” but lightning doesn’t seem to have struck twice.

In 1939, Robert L. May, an employee of Montgomery Ward, added a ninth reindeer to the canonical eight pulling Santa’s sleigh, as part of an ad campaign. Johnny Marks adapted May’s story into a song which, recorded in 1949 by cowboy star Gene Autry made recording history by hitting number one on the charts on Christmas week – and falling entirely off the charts the week after.

Since then, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer has been the inspiration for many a pun and parody. Notable among those that actually made it onto vinyl was, “Leroy the Redneck Reindeer,” by Joe Diffie, released in 1995.

Fertile ground for parody is the Christmas tradition of, “Complaining About the Commercialization of Christmas.”

In 1958, Stan Freberg released, “Green Chri$tma$” a satirical dialog between Ad agency president, Mr. Scrooge, and spice shop owner, Bob Cratchit.

Scrooge addresses a group of clients about tying their products into Christmas. Cratchit wants to send his customers cards with a picture of the Three Wise Men and the message, “Peace on Earth.”

“And they’re bearing your spices, right?” Scrooge says.

Turns out Cratchit just wants to remind them of, “whose birthday we’re celebrating.”

But what carol compares when commemorating commercialization of Christmas than, “The Twelve Days of Christmas”?

Allan Sherman, who with Tom Lehrer proved that not only are the best Christmas songs written by Jews, but the best parodies as well, recorded “The Twelve Gifts of Christmas” in 1964.

“On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a Japanese transistor radio.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(It’s a Nakashuma.)
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(It’s the Mark IV model. That’s the one that’s discontinued.)
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(And it comes in a leatherette case with holes in it,
so you can listen right through the case.)
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A statue of a lady, with a clock where her stomach ought to be,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(And it has a wire with a thing on one end that you
can stick in your ear, and a thing on the other end
that you can’t stick anywhere, because it’s bent.)
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A hammered aluminum nutcracker,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A pink satin pillow that says San Diego, with fringe all around it,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
An indoor plastic birdbath,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A pair of teakwood shower clogs,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television,
but not when you get it home,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, although it may seem strange,
On the twelfth day of Christmas, I’m going to exchange:
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television,
but not when you get it home,
A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter,
A pair of teakwood shower clogs,
An indoor plastic birdbath,
A pink satin pillow that says San Diego, with fringe all around it,
A hammered aluminum nutcracker,
A statue of a lady, with a clock where her stomach ought to be,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
Merry Christmas everybody!”

In 1996, Jeff Foxworthy evoked the joy of simple things with, “The Twelve Redneck Days of Christmas,” receiving:
“12 pack of bud
11 wrestlin’ tickets
Tin a’ Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Redman
6 cans of spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shot gun shells
2 huntin’ dogs
and some parts to a Mustang GT!”

You can’t keep a good redneck down. Merry Christmas y’all.